


Pining for Lost Loved Ones

by sp12122015



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Broken Promises, Declarations Of Love, F/M, Love Confessions, Self-Doubt, Self-Sacrifice, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-14 06:55:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4555026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sp12122015/pseuds/sp12122015
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve and Natasha, are and were always going to be friends. That is what Steve concluded when he saw this piece of paper. Post AoU, follow Natasha and Steve on a journey of pain and love. Please R&R.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

He sat there mulling over the piece of paper in his hands. He played with the edges of the paper in his hand. He continued to sip his scotch letting the liquid burn the back of his throat before turning into water, no longer affecting him. It was the second time that a small piece of paper burned his hands as he played with, shredded his heart as he read it over and over again. The first was for Peggy's funeral, and the second was this.

She had chosen Banner, and he had helped them get together, he had pushed Banner to take this chance, the chance that he had clearly missed. Despite everything Banner had done to her, she was still off limits. Banner was a friend right? He couldn't move in on Natasha while he was gone, right?

Steve tried whenever possible, between training the new avengers, to help her, comfort her. She was stoic at times, a hard shell, and she pushed him away. He was there, with a warm shoulder, when she just needed to stare out the window and cry. He still wanted her desperately. Yes that was selfish, but it was the whole truth. Ever since the fall of Shield fiasco a little over a year ago, he felt something more for the redhead spy. Of course immediately when we met her he was attracted to her, what guy wasn't? But now it wasn't just a physical attraction it was more than that. He loved her, and he had been dancing around his feelings for her.

In the graveyard he wanted to say 'stay'. The words were caught in his throat and he didn't utter them in time. He respected her need for space, so she could figure out who she was. He knew who she was: a strong, independent, beautiful, loyal, attractive, intelligent woman, but most importantly a hero, not a monster. He could have told her all of that, but what are the chances she would have believed him. She just needed to find that all out on her own first.

When they met again a year later to help hunt down hydra and the scepter, he couldn't help but marvel at her beauty. But he was also observant to her clear attraction to Banner. He saw the way she flirted with him. He couldn't destroy her happiness, when that's all he wanted. Of course he wanted to be the cause of her happiness, the man of her affection, but he wouldn't destroy it. Seeing that he missed his chance, he pushed Banner to not miss his.

Steve distanced himself from her; it was the only way to remain a coworker without bursting at the seams. 'Romanoff' became the only way for his fragile heart to address her. He didn't continue his lingering glances, he didn't constantly give her his charming smile, only soft nods of acknowledgement.

Nat knew. She could sense Steve being distant. He didn't look at her the same way, like he did a year ago. His glow seemingly faded when he looked at her. He looked aged, pale, and exhausted. He kept up their friendly relationship as coworkers, but nothing more. Their conversations never went beyond 'what's today's training plan' and 'that was a day, they still need work'. He never called her Nat or Tasha or Natasha, just Romanoff or Black Widow or Widow. She missed one of her best friends in the entire world besides Clint. It felt like that year apart wiped away any connection or shared bonds. Oh god how she missed him and his radiance.

After everything with Ultron, Banner disappeared. He broke her heart; that she easily handed over to him. She thought that they had something. They both were afraid of the monsters that they could easily become. They bonded over that and they had all of these intimate moments together. She shared memories and feelings with him that neither Steve nor Clint had been privy too. She begged him to come back, and all for naught.

She shut off her emotions to the outside world. But there were times when she couldn't hold it in anymore. She just needed to cry to let out the hurt that she constantly tried burying. Steve, Steve was always there in a purely leadership capacity. He saw her hurt and need, and he was there with a shoulder for her to cry on. He, like the other team members, stopped asking her questions and trying to comfort her, they gave her the space she requested.

Then Banner came knocking one day. He showed up at the new Avengers facility one day. She tried not to rush back into his arms and forgo any resolve she had built up. But it was all for naught. It took one long look and his rambling apology to cause an eruption of emotions, a flood, to wash over her. She collapsed into his arms. Over the days they rekindled what they had and started to repair their romantic and platonic relationship.

* * *

Now he was staring at her wedding invitation. She was going to marry Banner in a few weeks time. He had seen it coming, despite everything in him that had denied it over and over again. He wanted nothing more that to have her for himself. But he couldn't do that to Banner, and more importantly to her. As he continued to look at the invitation he saw the boxes that he could check, not attending or attending and how many people.

He looked it over a few more times before taking a pen and checking 'not attending'. Closet friend or not he couldn't bear seeing her marrying another man. It broke his heart to see her and Banner get back together, and this was the final straw for him. He got the next morning and posted the letter. He knew he would hurt her by not showing up to the wedding, but this, going there would kill him with pain. He felt okay but distressed about not going. Oh god how he loved her.

* * *

Then two weeks passed, and now he was back at home drinking more scotch thinking about the past few weeks. Natasha's wedding was being planned accordingly, and everything was going according to plan. Then he heard a banging at his door. He didn't have the energy to get up and answer the door. He figured eventually whoever it was, would give up and go away. Nope he had been wrong, because after ten minutes his door flung open. And there was Natasha, as beautiful as ever but also as mad as ever. This could not be good.

"What the Hell Rogers? You think that I wouldn't have seen this? That Bruce would have just taken care of it and that I wouldn't find out. What is wrong with you? This is supposed to be the most important, and happiest day of my life and you weren't going to show up? Let alone tell me to my face."

"Romanoff, it's not like that."

"Then enlighten me, tell me what it's like."

"I just don't…"

"Don't what? Want to be apart of my special day? The whole team is going, pepper and Jane as well and you weren't going to show up. That's a real dick move Rogers."

"Please Romanoff, don't start."

"Just call me Natasha for god sakes and tell me what the hell happened. What made Steve so gusty that he decided to just not show up at my wedding? His friends wedding."

"Romanoff, it's my personal business and I don't want to show up so please leave it at that. That's why you send those cards so that people have the chance to deny coming."

"No that's for everyone else, not my best friend."

"Please Romanoff." He looked long and hard at her and saw her face soften slightly and this is exactly what he feared. She would come asking and he would melt at her feet, do whatever she asked him to. "Look I finally have plans and they conflict."

"No you don't Rogers, stop bullshitting me."

"Stop Romanoff."

"No Rogers, don't do this to me. It's going to be a special day and I want my friends there, I want you there Steve." He wanted to be there to, but he wanted to be the one standing there, in the alter with her.

"Fine."

"Yes?"

"Yes, I'll come."

"And what of your plans?"

"I'll cancel them, your are right, this is more important."

* * *

The weeks seemed to pass even quicker and Steve was getting ready to head to the ceremony. He took his bike and arrived right on time. He took his seat in the front row for the ceremony; he stood and marveled at Natasha's beauty as she walked down the isle with a beautiful white dress that made her emerald green eyes and fiery red head stand out more. He ogled at her beauty and the serenity of the moment.

Natasha walked down the isle and when she saw Steve and her friends she smiled at them, happy that they were here, and apart of her special day. The ceremony progressed and Natasha was more than elated to finally say 'I do'.

When the priest said "All those wishing to object, speak now or forever hold your peace" Steve wanted nothing more than to say 'I object', he wanted Natasha to know what he really felt for her before she married Banner. In his mind the scene played out in his head and he choose not to ruin their special moment. As they said I do, Steve clapped and was ready to get to the reception where he could disappear into the background.

When the reception finally did come, the Avengers were sitting together and talking. They were all so happy for their fellow Avengers. Steve tried to keep up a happy face but it was so hard when he was dying on the inside. The rest of the Avengers they had their partners in life and well here he was alone again.  _'Captain America pretending as if he could live without a war to fight, pathetic.' -_ Ultron's words were spinning in his head stuck on a loop. The sad part was that they were true. He went to the bar and got himself a drink, that's when Barton approached him.

"Steve."

"Clint."

"You okay man?"

"Yeah, it's been a long day is all."

"It's hard, I couldn't imagine Laurie marrying another man, let alone a friend of mine." Steve looked hard and long at the archer, and he knew Barton knew.

"Its rough, but it doesn't matter now, I mean its not like we shared anything, she always saw me as a friend, so this heartbreak is unwarranted."

"No its not unwarranted, she may not have acknowledged what you felt for her, but that doesn't mean that your heart can't feel pain."

"Its just so hard Barton because I love her, and I missed my chance for the second time." Barton patted him on the back. He felt bad for Steve, secretly he had hopped that the spy and solider would get together but fate had been cruel to Steve.

"I know Steve." Barton and Steve starred to the dance floor where Banner and Natasha were now dancing among other couples. "Listen you'll move on eventually, but for now Laurie wants me to come dance with her, see you later buddy."

"Yeah." Steve sipped his drink, then got another one and went back to the table to drink more. He added a little Asgardian mead, to make it a little stronger; at least it started to really burn. The song ended and another one came on.

"Hey solider, care to dance with me? Bruce went to greet some guests."

"Sure, Romanoff anything for you." The sick part was that he had gotten dancing lessons in hopes of finally asking her out before Banner returned.

They started to sway to the song and Steve kept wishing that it were their wedding. They flowed with the music and Steve looked like a pro, and like they were the couple at the center of everyone's attention.

"Steve I thought you said you didn't know how to dance."

"I learned, but never got to use the new skills. I waited to long to ask her out."

"Steve it's never too late to take a chance."

"Yeah it is, especially now."

"Oh come on, any girl would say yes, and swoon over you if you just put your self out there."

"Even if it were you?" This had caught Natasha off guard but she recovered quickly.

"Yes." She had never told anyone that she harbored feelings for the solider, but now that she was married it wouldn't make a difference, so why not. Steve had pulled back from her embrace slightly and looked at her, half shocked at what she had just said.

"Natasha, I'm happy for you."

"Thank you Steve, but my job is not yet done, I still have to find you someone."

"You know I thought I found her for a while."

"That's perfect Steve, and what happened?"

"She got married to my friend." What he had said destroyed even ounce of resolve she had left. He couldn't mean her could he? Oh god, what did she do to him. Every wall that had been holding back the tidal wave of emotions crumbled. She couldn't bear to see him here anymore. She pulled back from him and saw the hurt and angst on his face.

"Please leave Steve."

"I…I didn't mean to hurt you, I just, I just finally needed to say it."

"And you choose today, the day of my marriage to tell me?"

"I'm sorry Nat." He looked so sad and lost like a little puppy, especially with those sea blue eyes.

"Steve I want you to leave, please go."

"Fine Nat." And with that Steve let go of her and went to the table grabbing his drink, downing it before leaving. He grabbed his leather over coat and left. He rode his motorcycle out of the place, but not before the rest of the Avengers saw the interaction between the two. Nat rushed to the bathroom, grabbing Pepper and Maria. She needed help and she needed to be out of sight before she ruined her makeup.

  
  



	2. Chapter Two

**Hey guys so here's the next installment. It's basically a direct continuation. Again please R &R, I love to hear what you guys think and want to happen next. Thanks to all of you who did review and favorite or followed this story that made my day.**

**When I wrote this chapter I listened to Thinking Out Loud by Ed Sheeran played on strings by Vitamin String Quartet. It helped set the mood and you guys should listen to it when you read the chapter, but you don't have to. The link is below but you can easily find it on YouTube: _watch?v=KfJ229KizSs_**

* * *

He had to keep his mind clear and it was becoming increasingly hard. He felt the affects of the Asgardian Mead and the stress of the whole night was washing over him like a tsunami. 'AAAAAAAH' that was all his mind could think of doing. He screamed out loud into the foggy night, that didn't seem like the solution either. Nothing was working. He driving down the mountain every fiber of his being wanted to turn around and make Natasha his, no mater how selfish it might be.

* * *

She was sitting in her little dressing chamber with Pepper and Maria now. Her closest friends didn't know exactly what happened, but they saw her push Steve away and Steve leave. They were both half holding Natasha as she started to ball. She couldn't hold it in any longer, the tear streaming down her face ruined her makeup but that didn't bother as much as what Steve had said. 'She married my friend.' Oh god how could she not see what Steve felt for her? All those moments together, and the longing gazes while Banner was gone, his constant attempts at helping her. Had she been that blinded by her feelings that she didn't see Steve pinning for her, that he wanted the same things she did.

* * *

He couldn't see straight anymore. On coming cars were a blur every now and then. He steered clear just in time. Nothing seemed harder than keeping his eyes open. His broken heart was crying more and more. Oh god her beauty was captivating and distracting and arousing all at the same time. Without even trying she weakened the solider.

* * *

As much as she cared for Banner, what she felt for the solider went further than that, she truly loved Steve and was in love with him. Pepper and Maria ran their hands over her back and gave her tissues as they tried to calm her.

"What happened Natasha?" Pepper carefully asked.

"I…I was dancing with…with Steve…and then we were talking, harmless stuff at first, then I made a joke about finding him the right partner. He said he found her but waited too long again. I joked back and said that its never too late, and then he said yeah it is…because…because she married his friend."

"Oh god Natasha." Maria tried to sympathize.

"I lost it with him."

"Natasha, its supposed to be your special day, just let it go." Pepper tried to reassure her.

* * *

Steve was rounding a corner and drifted lanes. Wow that car was close, as he swerved out of the way. What the hell were they doing on the wrong side of the road? He blinked several times and inhaled a fresh breath of air trying so hard to stay focused. He flashed back to her walking down the isle. Her face when she heard him say 'she married my friend.' He finally told her how he felt and said told him to get lost, to leave.

* * *

"I told him to leave, to get lost, I thought that what I felt was unreciprocated, childish at best, but he loved me all along and I was to stupid not to see it."

"Natasha, you're happy now let it go, you are with Bruce." Maria tried to Natasha to calm down, assuring her that she made the right choice.

"But now that I know…"

"No Natasha, don't you do that to your self, not today on your wedding. He's an ass for telling you today." Pepper asserted.

"He was drunk or at least intoxicated. I could smell it on his breath. I thought that joking with him was harmless, when I said every girl myself included swoons from time to time over him. But I just gave him a pass to say he loves me."

"Natasha its okay, you have to let it go. Today you should enjoy your wedding and love Bruce." "Yeah Natasha." Maria and Pepper stated.

"He's supposed to be my best friend and I told him to leave, he's supposed to be my rock, and here he is declaring his love for me after all this time on my wedding day."

* * *

The bright lights of on coming cars blinded him and the wind whipping across his face made his eyes water. How much longer could he keep going? How much longer could he keep pining over lost love? Everyday since they reassembled to fight hydra, a part of his heart broke. With Banner gone he regained some hope. Then his heart shredded when he was told the news at dinner that her and Banner were getting married. That what was that that he was heading towards? It looked dark but he was lost and yet somehow sure this was the right way home.

* * *

"It's not okay what he did, but now we have to go back out there and go back to those that we love. Bruce is waiting for you and now Steve's gone so there is no need to worry about what happened." Pepper tried to play the villain here, make Steve look like the bad guy; it was her friends wedding after all. It was so hard though, she cared for Steve, he was like a brother to her, and she knew Steve loved Natasha. She just never said anything, and she felt so bad for Steve, but today she had to feel bad for Natasha, no matter how mad she was at Natasha for breaking Steve's heart.

"Come lets get you fixed up and back out to your special night." Maria said. Then her and Pepper worked to fix Natasha's make up. When they finished her makeup they gave her reassuring smiles and escorted her back to the party. Back into Banners arms as the couple joined for a slow dance.

* * *

Home. It was an odd entity that somehow didn't seem right anymore. 'A different man came out of the ice.' 'I am home on this military base.' These thoughts were swirling in his head driving him insane. 'We can go home Steve, the war is finally over.' 'Come home.' He lost one love when he chose to save millions in World War Two. Now he lost the second love when she said I do and married his friend.

* * *

They were all at the party, dancing and having a good time again. She was in Banners arms and the rest of the Avengers had their partners. They danced and continued to sing. No one heard from Steve, Jarvis never said Captain Rogers has returned home, and no one thought anything of it for now, as they continued to celebrate their friends' wedding, this moment of joy was perfect and they were isolated from the world of alien invasions and death and destruction. If only they knew.

* * *

Steve closed his eyes for one second, and then there was nothing. He felt air rushing all over him. He lost contact with his bike and he couldn't place why, and then he did as he made contact with the side of the mountain. The sound of metal crushing and glass shattering were the last sounds he remembers. Steve's partner rotated between loneliness and death: Tonight it seemed like death was the lucky winner. 


	3. Chapter Three

**Chapter 3: Chapter 3**

* * *

Steve could feel the weight of everything on him. It was all a blur and he was staring out into a blanket of whiteness. Peggy was in front of him in her young form again.

"Steve I'm glad you are home, that we are home."

"Peggy? Is that really you?"

"Yes Steve, who else would I be?"

"So it was all a dream?"

"What was?"

"Waking up in the 20th century, the Avengers?"  _'Natasha?'_

"Steve, are you okay?"

"I just, it was all so real Peg, and I just…"

"It doesn't matter Steve, we are together that's all that matters." As they embraced the moment faded and she melted from his arms and then the Peggy he had come to know, the old, sickly version of Peggy appeared before him.

"Steve?"

"Peggy, what's going on, why do you look like that?"

"Steve, I'm dead, you need to wake up, don't fall for the tricks, stop your self, return to your world, wake up and find peace with yourself, find peace with your friends and loved ones." Peggy started fading before his eyes again.

"No don't go Peggy."

"Steve wake up, don't follow me, wake up, and go home."

"What do you mean Peggy? Don't go. Peggy!" He was alone again and the white was blinding and seemed endless.

"Steve honey?" Sarah Rogers looked at what she was sure was his mom.

"Mom?"

"Steve, look at you so strong and young." He hugged his mom.

"I miss you mom."

"I know sweetie, but you have to wake up, wake up and go get your girl. Don't succumb to this serenity, wake up honey, we will meet again."

'Go home.' That was all everyone was telling him. But where was home? Better yet where was he. He started to wonder then he felt himself moving and he wasn't physically moving himself so what was going on? He needed to force himself to go home. He needed answers. Steve heard whispers and unfamiliar voices. His vision blurred again before colors started to appear. He saw flashing lights, people all around him, and then two people standing over him.

"We're losing him lets move." One of those voices said, barely audible to him. 'Losing him.' He was right here and he could see them. Then everything was black again, he faded right back into unconsciousness.

Natasha had tried to enjoy her night and some part of her did. But all of the events were still in part eating at her. As they left the hall and bid good night to all the other guest and friends she felt wrong. She was missing someone, the person she told to get lost. As she and Bruce entered their suite, she could tell he was trying to be romantic to please her and she was really trying to stay in the mood but she couldn't.

"Can we just go to bed? I'm really tired Bruce."

"Yeah, sure, whatever you want Nat." He seemed defeated, but the way he had said Nat wasn't right, it was unnerving.

"Thank you." As she crawled into bed and settled down in Bruce's arms everything continued to wash over her. Throughout the night she climbed out of his arms and continued to toss and turn.

Steve groaned and finally came to several days later. His grogginess was hard to fight. He looked around trying to discern where he was and what had happened. Someone walked into his eyes sight.

"I see you are finally up. We were getting worried that you would never wake up."

"Where am I?" Steve begged. He needed to know.

"You are in the hospital sir."

"What happened to me?"

"You were in a wreck."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you remember? Someone found you on the side of the road, and called it in. You rolled down half the mountain with your bike before finally coming to a stop. Your bike was destroyed."

"No I have no idea of what you are saying."

"Hold on sir, I'm going to go find the doctor." With that the fair-haired lady walked out of the room and he was along again. He couldn't remember what had happened to him and this lady was acting all weird for some reasons. Then the same lady and two other men walked into the room and started to wheel him away. They placed him in some sort of giant metal tube. The loud noise pierced his eardrums. Then he was back in his room.

"Sir, I want to talk to you. I'm your doctor and there are some things you should know."

"Like what, what's going on doc?"

"Well for starters you had 6 broken ribs one punctured your pericardial sac. You have 5 bruised ribs, your right leg was shattered, your left wrist was fractured in both bones, your right forearm was dislocated and you tore your shoulder blade, not to mention the contusions and abrasions covering your body. To be honest I am surprised that you survived the fall, the 6 surgeries you have been though, let alone the fact that you woke up."

"It's that bad doc?"

"Yeah and for some reason you seem to be burning through any medication we give you, so I am sorry but any pain you feel will not be subsided by any drugs we have here. Any idea why that is?"

"Not really."

"Son, do you know your name?" Steve looked perplexed.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, doc what happened? Who am I?"

"It's a mystery to us all son." Whoever he was, there was something different about him and the doctors knew that, the level of brain activity was too high for a normal human, and for to not know who he was, that really worried the doctor. The doctor slowly left the room and left the man to be on his own to process everything that had just happened.

It had been two weeks since the wedding, Natasha and Bruce had gone on a honeymoon trip to Europe and they had just returned. Natasha tried her best and so did Bruce, but both knew something was wrong and completely off with this whole situation. They were semi-at peace. Meanwhile back in New York Pepper and Tony where hard at work running Start Industries. They reminisced about the wedding, and Pepper had finally come clean to Tony about everything that had happened between Steve and Natasha during the wedding. Tony was as disappointed as Pepper was with Steve and Natasha. Both had caused each other so much pain and agony and both refused to let the other one back into their lives. Tony had been trying to tag Steve since he left the wedding but for some reason he couldn't. The videos around the area were horrible at best and the fog of he night wasn't helping.

"Tony sir I located footage of Captain Rogers." F.R.I.D.A.Y. had announced.

"Queue it up Friday." Tony responded, elated to have finally found footage of him. As the reel played and Tony continued to look he couldn't hold back tears. His friend, comrade in arms, leader, and childhood hero drove off a cliff. Tony could see that he was clearly intoxicated from the Asguardian that he had been drinking all night.

"Oh god! Friday tell me there's more?"

"I 'm afraid not sir. This is the last of the footage of the Captain on the mountain. Video analysis and geographical overlay highlight that the Captain seems to have mistakenly driven off a cliff in the last moments of the footage. The map shows the drop to be about 100 feet, over rough terrain and jagged edges, before finally converging again with the main road into town."

"Are you sure Friday?"

"Yes sir. The probability of anyone surviving that drop, even the Captain is…"

"I know Friday. Could you please get Pepper down here?"

"Right away sir." As he waited for Pepper to arrive he couldn't process what had just happened.

"Tony? What's going on? Friday just called me down here, and said it was urgent."

"Pep, just take a seat and watch this." She so and as the footage cut out, she was left speechless.

"Tony he didn't just…"

"He did Pep, he was intoxicated and drove right off the cliff."

"Could have…"

"Even for Steve it would have been very difficult to survive."

"Oh god no. He can't be. Tony tell me he's alive."

"I don't know Pep, I searching medical entrances for a Steven Grant Rogers now. But as far as I can tell there are no ambulances dispatched to that area, even if he did survive the chances that he bleed out before being rescued or discovered are still high."

"We can't give up just yet."

"I know Pep." Tony searched and searched for the rest of the day, he finally gave up and flew over to the area saw blood everywhere and his crushed bike. He saw torn clothing. If Steve survived it wasn't for long based on the state of the site. There was crime scene tape everywhere, which only pushed him to believe that the state thought whoever this was, was dead.

When he came home, he and Pepper shared a bottle of wine toasting to Steve's memory. The one thing that kept playing through Pepper's head was how was she supposed to keep this from Natasha, and when Natasha found out, how was she supposed to explain it to her.

Natasha returned later that evening to the tower. Natasha wasn't particularly keen on living in the Avengers tower, she preferred to live on her own or at the Avengers facility, but Bruce loved the R&D portion of the tower and she wanted him to be happy also. When they arrived Pepper and Tony greeted them happily, but she could sense something was off about the two. They were clearly hiding something. As the days rolled passed each other Natasha still continued to worry over Steve and the fact that he hadn't made contact with the team or with shield or anyone for that matter since that night.

Finally Natasha had, had enough of this cold shoulder attitude. She went over to Steve's apartment and knocked first, she knocked and waited for 20 minuets before finally picking the lock and going inside. She looked around the apartment and everything seemed in order expect that foul smell. It was coming form the fridge. When she opened the fridge there was some rotten food there and that had shocked Natasha, she knew something was wrong, because Steve would never have allowed that to happen.

She went back to the tower and couldn't get over the guilt that was eating at her insides. Finally at the end of the week she gave up on this solace and approached Pepper, who for some reason was still acting very weirdly.

"Hey Pepper can I ask you and Tony a favor?"

"Yeah shoot."

"Well, I know that after everything I should try to put this behind me but for some reason I can't and well I just need to know, I just need to talk to him. So can you track down Steve for me?" It was what Pepper had been dreading for so long since she and Tony had found out.

Steve was starring in the mirror of the small hospital room. It had been almost three weeks and the doctors said by some miracle he was fully healed and ready to be discharged. The hospital warned him though that some things could trigger a panic attack if he's not careful, the crash was pretty traumatic. They referenced him to a physiologist to visit weekly. They sent him into the nearest town to start to adjust to life again. There was legally no way for them to continue to hold on to him, no matter what the doctors really wanted to do. Steve couldn't remember his name or anything about his past or life, but he knew how to function in society that was not an issue. So Steve went to work. He started to work as a lumberjack in the nearby town for some company. They set him up with some money and a place to stay and to Steve everything felt right.

To everyone in town and in his new life he was James Grant and James well because it was generic and no one cared. He took on the name Grant, because well something seemed right about it.

Natasha watched the film five times before finally turning it off and watching the geographical analysis that F.R.I.D.A.Y. presented. Tony and Pepper watched her fall apart. They tried their best but it was futile. She finally accepted that after everything, Steve, her Steve was dead.


	4. Chapter Four

**Chapter 4: Chapter 4**

* * *

James was hard working, and gave it his all no matter what it was he was doing. The company loved him because he was the best worker, he cut trees down faster that others and he needed less help moving them. He lived a simple life, a nine to five job. All was right in the world.

* * *

Natasha had retreated into herself again. She lost her best friend, and not just for now, it was forever. Why was life being cruel to me? Was it because of the red in my ledger? Was it because she hadn't done enough to right her wrongs? Was it because she had only killed and tortured all of her life? Or was it worse? Was it because she had been cruel to the one man who didn't have a cruel bone, a selfish bone, in his entire body? Was life showing her what it felt like for Steve to lose her by taking him away from her forever? All of these questions continued to rumble in her mind.

* * *

James didn't stop ever working. With every stroke, hit, and crack of the wood, all of his frustration seemed to seep out. Why couldn't he remember who he was? Why was it so hard to recall what life was like. He put together some things about himself: He had callouses, he had increased strength, duration, and appetite. He obviously did hard work, but was well conditioned, because he was groomed. Maybe he did something with the military.

* * *

Bruce was trying at every turn to comfort Natasha but it was becoming more and more difficult. He felt sorrowful for Steve's death, he was a friend but why was this killing Natasha? I am her husband for crying out loud. I hate to admit it but a small, small silver of me is happy that he's out of her life. I always felt like there was something else there and I constantly felt rage when Steve was with her. No do not judge me, she's my wife; I can be protective of her.

* * *

James just wanted to know who he was. Why was this happening to him? He knew he was lucky to have survived the fall and crash, but he rather have died than wake up with no recollection of who he was. And who was this red head woman that kept flashing though this mind? As far as he could tell he was single, no tan line from a wedding ring, and no information on him when he crashed, no one seemed to be looking for him. So who was she? Why was she flashing through his head?

* * *

Tony and Pepper felt so much grief, despite everything, all the resources that they had at their disposal, they couldn't find Steve, or definitely tell if he was dead. Tony butted heads with Steve often but they always came to a resolution of some type, there were never really hard feelings. Pepper loved Steve like a brother and none of this made any rational sense to her. If only she sent Tony after him when he left. She could have prevented this if just once she told Natasha that Steve loved her. Why didn't she say anything? All that time Steve was there for her and she broke his heart. She wanted so badly to blame Natasha for all of this and a part of her did. Another part blamed her-self, and another part blamed Thor.

* * *

Every time James hit the wood, her face flashed before him. He thought she was hot whoever she was. He just hoped that she wasn't related to him otherwise these thoughts would be sick. As he headed back into town that night he just wanted nothing more than to drown out his sorrows and these thoughts. No one pitied him and there was no room in his complicated life to pity himself.

* * *

Thor blamed himself more than anyone. He knew Lord Steven would not have probably said anything to Lady Natasha had he not been drunk because of his mead. He knew Lord Steven would probably not have driven off drunk or intoxicated if he hadn't had his mead. He had introduced Lord Steven to his mead a while back and it didn't seem to affect him much. When we returned from Asgard a while ago he brought back a small barrel for him as gift. Not once did he think anything like this could have happened. Lord Steven was dead because of him. He went to Heimdell to help gather intelligence of Lord Steven. He wanted to find Lord Steven. Heimdell said that Lord Steven couldn't be found, it only worked if the person was alive and aware of who they were, so it gave Thor the slightest hope, but he never shared this with anyone for fear of false hope.

* * *

James was drinking and trying so hard to end his troubled mind, but it seemed that no matter how much he drank he couldn't get drunk, this was something else that was different about him. He got some looks while downing all of this alcohol, but the bar tender made a lot of money that night.

* * *

Shield had tried to find him when they were informed that he was no where to be found, when they found out that Stark couldn't find him. They went through all digital records, they swept the police department and nearest hospital to the accident. Nothing was turning up. It was all because the town only kept paper records and Shield didn't think about that and it would be too hard to inconspicuously sweep through regular means. They put down missing/dead in the Rogers file for the second time in history.

* * *

The new avengers, Sam mostly toasted to his death and wept for their lost leader. Natasha was second in command and now was the leader with Sam as a second leader. They all knew the team dynamic was different and they all could sense that Natasha was very different. Sam mostly never believed that Steve was dead, but eventually he came to terms with the fact that dead or alive Steve was not returning anytime soon.

* * *

James continued to drink, and a few girls tried to flirt with him and desperately tried to get his attention. One girl had red hair like the women in his dreams and he slightly began to pay her a little bit of attention. They went home that night and James tried to woo her and tried to convince him-self that all was right with the world that this was all right. But he couldn't, he couldn't take this girl without knowing whom the red head in his mind was. What if she was his girlfriend or a fiancé, this would be cheating and he couldn't do that not to her. When he walked away from her and went to his own cabin a little ways out of town he kept thinking of the red head.

* * *

It had been a month since the crash and this time, all of the Avengers and Shield were ready to declare the Captain dead. They gathered in Arlington National Cemetery for the ceremony. He had a grave from before that had been removed and reserved for later, now was later. The Howling Commanders were next to him and Peggy was next to him. For the second time in history they put an empty coffin in the ground to recognize the fall of America's hero. As they went through person by person giving small speeches, and placing their roses on the casket everyone shed tears, even Nick and Coulson and Hill. The rifles went off and everyone walked away from the casket except Natasha. Bruce tried to get her to go but she wouldn't leave yet, and he stormed off. Pepper came behind Natasha and held her. Natasha let go of all of the tears she was holding in.

* * *

Throughout the day James felt something eating at him and he couldn't place the feeling. It was a mixture of regret, loss, and pain. Like he was supposed to be somewhere else and he couldn't figure out where. All over the news papers and radio stations people were holding moments of silence for the fall of America's hero Steven Grant Rogers. He felt bad that this guy had died, from what it sounded like he was a real good person that always sacrificed himself. Shield had hid the details of his death and information of him, but it was still confirmed that this guy had died. He had a fleeting daydream; he could see the red head women in all black crying in his dream. She was standing over a coffin and he was suddenly there with her and he wanted her to stop crying, but she couldn't hear him. James decided that it was finally time he head into the city and go to a military place and figure out if he was in the military, it would be a start to finding out who he was. The structure and the definition and callouses he had didn't come from working in an office all of his life.

* * *

Natasha made daily trips to his grave. She whispered words of sorrow and apologies. 'I'm sorry Steve that I never recognized what you felt for me.' 'I'm sorry for playing with your heart.' 'I'm sorry for telling you to leave.' 'Most of all I'm sorry for telling you and forcing you to come to my wedding.' 'I might not have known how he felt for the rest of my life, I might have had a cold Steve in my life, but I would have had my best friend still in my life.'

* * *

James walked into the therapist's office that Friday and told him what he thought. The doctor thought that I was a good step towards finding out who he was, but to not to get his hopes up. James never told his doctor about the red headed woman that flashed in and out of his mind. He figured out he was good and drawing and drew her face. He figured that even if he wasn't in the military, maybe this woman was, or she was related to someone that was, and he would be able to find her. As James prepped to go to the city he made sure he kept a neat beard and a clean hair cut, still longer and different than when he woke up from the crash.

As James drove throughout he city he had more and more flashes. Maybe he was from New York City, but the images were of an older city, which seemed weird because there was no way he looked a day over 28. He walked into the recruitment office and asked to speak to an officer.

"What can I do for you?"

"Well I had some questions about the military."

"Are you interested in signing up, because we have a lot of brochures and information on our website."

"Well that's the thing, I think I was apart of the military, but I crashed and when I woke up I had no memory of who I was. Something is telling me that maybe I was apart of the military."

"This is quite the odd request."

"But I need to know Sergeant."

"Let me see what I can do." The Sergeant returned a little later and began to fingerprint him, and take photos for an analysis. "I'm going to run this through and see what happens."

"Thank you I appreciate it." When the Sergeant came back he looked perplexed.

"Well?"

"I just…this is weird. Your fingerprints and face scan came back as someone, well someone who was just buried."

"Well as you can see I am alive alright. Who was it?"

"Well its…its uh Steven Grant Rogers."

"Sorry who?"

"Captain America."

"You are joking."

"No I'm not."

"Enough with the pranks Sargent."

"I'm being serious, here look at this."

"I can't believe it."

"Neither can I sir." James walked out of the office with the file in his hand. He couldn't believe what the Sergeant was telling him. He was…Captain America.

* * *

Back at Shield, Nick was working on some paper work before going home for the day. He was altered to something on his computer. A hit came back on someone running and matching Rogers' fingerprints and facial scan. This isn't possible? Or was it? He rushed out of the office and took a jet to New York to the office that ran the test. When he arrived he questioned the Sergeant on duty and got the full story. Steve was in fact alive and he was here in New York.

* * *

Please R&R. I would like to acknowledge MysticFantasy for giving me a lot of inspiration with this chapter. Until next time...


	5. Chapter Five

**Chapter 5: Chapter 5**

* * *

**Hey guys so here's the next installment. It's basically a direct continuation. Again please R &R, I love to hear what you guys think and want to happen next. Thanks to all of you who did review and favorite or followed this story that made my day.**

* * *

**Operation Shield** : Sealed on Director Nickolas J. Fury's orders. Clearance level 10.

 **Mission Statement** : _Regain Captain America/Steven Grant Rogers as a Shield Asset, and active operative._

 **First Report** : 8/25/15- _Captain Rogers was in fact alive. Discovered in Manhattan New York. Two months after his reported accident, and six weeks after being declared dead and his death ceremony. Active operatives on this mission only include Director Nickolas J. Fury._

 **Second Report** : 8/31/15- _First contact made with Captain Rogers. For the last week Captain Rogers had been on a bar crawl and working out in a gym after hours. He has yet to return to any stable home/base. Residence is unknown. State of Captain Rogers is unknown. Approached in a gym in Brooklyn._

* * *

Captain America-Steven Grant Rogers. That's what the file in his hand said. He didn't remember much about himself prior to waking up in the hospital. He knew some things that he liked and disliked. He knew he liked riding a motorcycle. But he was supposed to be this great hero: A Super Solider. It all seemed so real and so impossible at the same time. There were more and more flashbacks, they were coming more and more frequently. Moments of flips and punches and throwing a red white and blue disc. It seemed right and familiar. But there were things that didn't seem right: There were monsters and things that were definitely not natural. Then as he hit the bag he had another flash back. He was punching the bag and then someone in a black trench coat was walking in and talking to him. He learned more about himself. He was starting to believe that he was this guy. Then he heard the doors open.

"Captain I see you are back to your hold habits."

"And you are?"

"I friend of yours."

"Yeah, says who."

"You did when you walked away from me at the cemetery after we faked my death."

"Who are you?"

"Nick."

"How do you know all about that?"

"Because you used to work for me and a great intelligence agency. You laid it to waist and helped rebuild a pure one. That was before we thought we lost you."

"Lost me?"

"Your accident that put you in the hospital. We thought you were dead Captain Rogers."

"Well I'm not dead, but I don't believe that I'm this Captain/Super Soldier."

"What would it take to make you believe?"

"A lot of information."

"I have a lot of information as long as you agree to come with me we can go over all of it."

"And if I still don't believe, if I still want to walk away and be a normal guy?"

"You were never normal Captain, but you could still walk away if you don't remember."

"You are fairly certain that I'm him, how do you know?"

"I've known you for a long time and my granddad fought in world war two alongside the US army and their hero." Nick said while gesturing towards Steve.

"Okay show me the way." James was sure that this was more déjà vu then anyone could ever experience. His name was Steven Grant Rogers, Captain America. He shook his head and then he realized that is why Grant was so familiar.

He followed Nick and got into a dark car with an eagle on the side of it. They drove for hours and hours. When they finally stopped they were outside of a gate that enclosed a facility of some type. They were in D.C. from what he could gather. The gate rolled open and then they crossed onto the grounds. Nick parked the car and lead Steve upstairs to the top of the building. It looked like they were going into Nick's office.

"This is where I run Shield. And down the hall is your office. You are one of the top agents of this organization and you are an associate director. You helped rebuild this. You made this all possible again."

"I really did do great things?"

"Yes and this doesn't even begin to cover it. Here have a seat." Suddenly a holographic screen flashed up between Steve and Nick. Footage started playing and tiny little tabs with hundreds of different little names popped up on the side.

"So this is information about me?"

"Its everything we have on you Rogers."

"So what do I look through this and remember who I am? Trust you? And go what go back to being this hero?"

"If you want. Or we could take it slow. You could ask questions and we could begin to rebuild our relationship and rebuild all that is you."

"Fine start talking."

"Start asking questions."

"Okay. Why do I only look a day over 28 when the file shows date of birth as 1920?"

"Because of the super solider serum that runs through you, that's bound to your D.N.A." The questions went on like that for hours and hours until the early morning light came in through the windows of Nick's office. After several bottles of scotch and reminiscing, finally it all started coming back to Steve.

"So I'm not really James Grant huh? I'm Steven Grant Rogers/Captain America."

"Yeah you are."

"So what now?"

"Well I was hoping this would jog some of your memory, help you remember what happened, what your life was like."

"It did. I remember."

"What exactly?"

"Well I remember everything up until the D.C. fiasco. All of it every detail and every feeling I've felt. It's all there burned into my brain, being constantly replayed in my head."

"Well that's great news Rogers. It's a pleasure having you back aboard."

"There are a few gaps though."

"Like what?"

"I remember the Avengers Initiative and the faces of the people, I remember working with them in New York, I know who they are by their hero names, but I don't remember who they are outside of that."

"It will continue to come back to you cap, just give it time. And here read over their files, maybe that will help jog your memories."

"Yeah thanks." Steve said while grabbing the files from Nick. They sat there in comfortable silence for a while.

"So what do I do now Nick?"

"Well I could bring you back to the Avengers facility and I could let rejoin them as their captain and leader if you're ready. Or I could bring you in as an agent again running solo ops for Shield."

"Can I come back to my old office and work in secret Nick? I don't know if I'm ready to face the world as Captain America just yet, especially with this spotty memory?"

"If that is what you really want Captain."

"Your office is still there down the hall untouched."

"Thank you Nick."

"You can still have an apartment here in D.C., we fixed up your old one for you, or you can live here on base we have living quarters in another wing."

"I think I will drive out to the apartment and grab some things before moving in here, if that's alright."

"Its up to you Captain. But one word of advice as a friend: The Avengers, the people that you have fought with, your friends, they would really feel better knowing you are alive, and you should tell them."

"Not yet Nick, I have so many gaps in my memory, that I can't just yet."

"As you wish Captain. Oh by the way you may want to drive up to New York sometime and fix up your Brooklyn apartment." Nick tossed him a set of keys. Steve turned them over in his hands and he saw small labels clearly showing where they belonged.

"Thanks Nick." He picked up his file along with the rest of the Avengers files and then he walked down the hall to his old/new office.

"Open up Operation: SHEILD."

"Yes Director." The AI said.

"I would like to log a third report."

"Right away Director."

" _ **Third Report:**_  Captain Rogers had regained most of his memory. He remembers almost everything up through D.C., which is a good start. He claims that he remembers the Avengers but he cannot remember the bonds and the people behind the masks, behind the heroes that he fought with. He appears to want to throw himself right back into work here at Shield, and I have let him. At his request he is working covertly within Shield, until he is ready to face his old friends and teammates. No one will have knowledge of his return for now. I advised him to return and visit his friends but he had not yet done so. It appears that he is starting familiarize himself with his life and what he owns and does. I have yet to give him the file on Ultron and the Winter Solider."

"Notes have been recorded Director."

"Thank you, now seal the file."

"Done Director."

* * *

Nick continued to log reports as Steve went on missions and helped rebuild shield. After a year of being 'dead' it seemed that Steve was regaining more and more of his memories. He remembered Tony Stark and Thor and Banner and Barton. He started to recall events of Ultron and the Winter Solider. Finally Nick gave him the files to help him fill in the gaps. He remembered John/War machine, he recalled Sam and all of their time together from D.C. and beyond. The Twins and how Wanda joined the Avengers. Vision and his powers. Everything was filled in now. He finally put a name to that Red Head: Black Widow. He still couldn't figure out who she was, just that he fought with her for so long as partners with the old Shield, as Avengers. He clearly understood why she was so attractive to him. She was stunning and deadly, and competent, and intriguing, a mystery and he wanted to know more about her. It was weird he had these flashes about her from when he first got out of the hospital, but he couldn't recall anything about her. All he knew was that they fought together. He remembered everything about everyone except her.

* * *

Natasha had tried her best to move on and continue to run the Avengers and be the best she could be but it seemed as if it was all for naught. She missed Steve terribly. She couldn't visit his grave because it was all the way in D.C. and she had to spend all of her time with the Avengers in Upstate NY or in New York City at the Stark Tower with Bruce. Her relationship to Banner was strained to put it nicely. She was trying so desperately to be a dutiful wife to Banner, but it was so hard when all she really wanted was her friend back and no else seemed to care. Banner was becoming slightly cold towards her the more that she kept bringing up Steve. She had this gut feeling that he wasn't gone; that he was out there somewhere, that her best friend was out there somewhere.

Every month on his death anniversary she never took missions and never left her room. She didn't talk to anyone; she just sat there and wallowed in her misery. As the months continued to roll by she lost more and more hope that he was out there somewhere, surely he would have come back to the team to shield  _to her_ if was alive and knew who he was. The Avengers and Bruce and Tony and Pepper left her alone on those days fully accepting that there was nothing they could do to help her. As her one-year marriage to Bruce passed she went away with Bruce on vacation. They were desperately grasping at what was left, dying for conversation. Then came Steve's one-year death anniversary a few weeks later. She was devastated and decided to go on a break for week. She took leave and took her corvette to D.C., to visit him. As she got to her apartment she dropped her bags and flopped down on to the couch. She didn't even have the energy to go to her room.

* * *

When daylight broke she got up and got ready. She wasn't purposely dressing to impress anyone, but she had in some ways. She grabbed the bottle of vodka from her fridge and then got her keys and purse and went to the graveyard. She parked her car and walked towards Steve's grave.  _His grave, no body._

"Hey Steve." She laid the flowers at his grave and brushed away the leaves and weeds. She knelt down and leaned against the tree that was near the grave. She popped open the vodka bottle taking a swig.

"Oh god I miss you so much Steve. I hope that you're listening." She sipped the vodka again.

"I…I blame myself Steve, I'm so sorry Steve. It's all my fault."

"Its my fault my asking you to leave, it my fault for not realizing that you felt that way for so long. I should have just pushed you away and allowed you to stay. I should have had you brought to your room for the night." She chugged a large portion of the bottle.

"I'm sorry I haven't been here since they buried you, I have been busy at work and Banner, we're not doing to well." She ran her hands over the gravestone.

"You know I've been thinking about leaving the Avengers. I hadn't had the guts yet because I know that they will fall apart and that would be like dishonoring you and what's left of you." She sat there in silence for a while and just thinking over the accident, reliving all of her memories with Steve.

" _She married my friend."_

" _Please leave, just leave Steve. I don't want you here."_

" _He's gone Natasha. He's been presumed dead Romanoff."_

Everything seemed to start slipping away. It was like time no longer existed. Nothing was the same and everything hurt and everything she knew was different. The next time she looked at her watch it was six o'clock and her bottle of vodka has long since been drained. She needed a mission something to help her escape everything. So she picked herself up and headed to the Triskelion. She crossed the bridge and entered the garage. She walked into the elevator and rode up to Director Fury's office.

* * *

The knock was subtle at first. He didn't really hear it. Then when they spoke he knew. "Director Fury it's me Romanoff, permission to enter." Steve's super hearing allowed him to hear people all the way down the hallway. The memories started flooding his mind. They washed over him taking him by surprise and some violently shook him.

_"Steve I thought you said you didn't know how to dance."_

_"I learned, but never got to use the new skills. I waited to long to ask her out."_

_"Steve it's never too late to take a chance."_

_"Yeah it is, especially now."_

_"Oh come on, any girl would say yes, and swoon over you if you just put your self out there."_

_"Even if it were you?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Natasha, I'm happy for you."_

_"Thank you Steve, but my job is not yet done, I still have to find you someone."_

_"You know I thought I found her for a while."_

_"That's perfect Steve, and what happened?"_

_"She got married to my friend."_

_"Please leave Steve."_

_"I…I didn't mean to hurt you, I just, I just finally needed to say it."_

_"And you choose today, the day of my marriage to tell me?"_

_"I'm sorry Nat."_

_"Steve I want you to leave, please go."_

The way her face was overcome in angst and pain. What had he done to her? Oh god how his heart ached. He remembered everything about her know. She was his best friend and he wanted her so much and she was married to his co-worker and friend. God this was a mess. The wedding. The crash. It all came back to him. She wasn't a lover, she wasn't a fiancé, and thank god she wasn't a sister. He wanted her so bad. He had to keep his distance though. But shouldn't he tell her that he's alive? No after everything he had done to her, he didn't even deserve a hello or eye contact. He had to tell Fury that everything came back to him completely.

* * *

"Enter Romanoff." Natasha entered and carefully approached Nick's desk. Decked out in her standards black leather jack black jeans and red tee shirt and black healed boots, Natasha Romanoff was definitely the Black Widow at the moment.

"What can I do for you Romanoff?"

"I need a mission Director."

"Well we have few short term missions if you would like one. Or there are a few monthly missions, but seeing as you are to lead the Avengers we cannot allow you to do to many long ones."

"Anything sir."

"How about this daily mission in London, England. Mark is a small arms dealer, we want him alive to turn him, and we need a way into the ring. Ties to the middle east."

"Sounds easy, when do I leave?"

"Tomorrow 0600. 48 hour mission, deal takes place at 2100 tomorrow, no extraction planned."

"Perfect."

"Dismissed Romanoff." Natasha was about to leave when her mask half cracked. "As a friend Romanoff, you should let him go."

"Any word on him Director?"

"None Romanoff." It was so easy to just lie to just brush it off and hide the truth from her. She needed to move on and he didn't want to break the captain's sole request. She looked hard and long at him and gave him a small nod before taking the file and walking out of the office. She turned her head as she left the office trying to bit back the tears, then she saw something that unnerved her. A small light in his office, she drew her gun. She walked towards the office and turned the knob slightly before bursting open the door.

"Freeze don't move or I shoot you." She screamed as she entered.

"Black Widow it's me don't shoot." She was frozen to her spot her gun still pointed at him. She was internally shaking.

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Please R&R. Suggestions for next chapter please. Hitting writer's block.


	6. Chapter Six

**Chapter 6: Chapter 6**

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**Authors Note: Hello all so this is that long promised and somehow really delayed chapter that I know you all have been waiting for. I hope you all find it enjoyable. I got an idea from a few other Fanfiction stories, so bear with me when I try the following…anything written in "…." this is something said in Russian. I think it makes thoughts clear and then I don't have to use Google translate only to translate exactly what I am saying to you the reader…so yeah let me know what you think about that…Please R &R. ** **R. City - Locked Away (Lyric Video) ft. Adam Levine** **, is the song I wrote this chapter to you might want to read this chapter while listening to it to set the mood.**

**Oh and this chapter is more borderline M than T, this serves as your warning…. So yeah enjoy.**

She couldn't believe the sight before her. She was shocked and all of her thoughts were uprooted. She couldn't help but let go, her trigger finger itching to let go. He held her gaze and saw her gun still pointed at him.

"Romanoff, don't, okay put it down." She looked at it him blankly before pulling the trigger three times in quick succession. The three round burst echoed through the stillness of the moment. He couldn't even react fast enough to dodge the bullets. Flinching slightly, Steve took several minutes to come back to his senses. Natasha hadn't even blinked. Looking right over his shoulder he saw the bullets embedded in his book case six inches left of his arm, one foot left of his heart. She didn't miss on purpose that much was clear. Everything was silent for only a few more minutes before he finally spoke up.

"Romanoff. Put the gun down please. Please, Natasha." The way her name came rolling off his lips had been music to her ears. She lowered it slowly and holstered it. She left and walked briskly towards Fury's office. The son of a bitch absolutely did not say anything about this he lied to my face and let me believe that Rogers was dead. She burst into his room and walked straight towards him not even taking her eyes off of him.

Steve took a moment to collect himself and his thoughts. Oh god how he missed her. It was weird that it took her voice to finally wake him up from his memory loss. She had fired at him for god sakes. Why did he love women that shot at him? She was everything to him and now that he really remembered everything he realized how much he had longed to talk to her like a real friend. The distance between them was more than palpable. He longed to hold her, look at her, and love her, and talk to her as a real lover would. He had to go after her before even their working relationship collapsed. To never talk to her or see her again would destroy him. He closed up for the night grabbing his wallet and keys and ran after her. As he got near the elevator he heard her yelling in Fury's office. He went in slowly. He made eye contact with Fury, and then he stopped dead in his tracks.

_"You know I thought I found her for a while."_

_"That's perfect Steve, and what happened?"_

_"She got married to my friend."_

_"Please leave Steve."_ The memory played on a loop in his head. He couldn't approach her much less talk to her after what he had done to her. It was too late to run though. Natasha had turned around already and had spotted him there.

"I think I should just let you and Cap catch up. Romanoff, consider this your promotion to level 10, only the Cap, Coulson, and myself are this high. Even Coulson doesn't know of Cap's return though." Like that Fury walked out of his office leaving just Natasha and Steve alone.

"Start talking, because if I do it will not end well or be pretty for you."

"Okay, okay Natasha I'll explain."

"I'm waiting Rogers."

"Well where do you want me to really start Natasha?"

"How about at the beginning?" She couldn't mean when his feelings for her started could she. "The night of my wedding." He was internally choking at least he caught a small break.

"Well I drove off and I lost control. I went over a cliff. You know how the road winds down slowly? I essentially took a painful shortcut. Fell down half the mountain before I came to a stop. I wasn't conscious, but apparently someone found me called me into the hospital. I woke days later and didn't know who I was. Doc told me I made a miraculous recover and discharged me. I got a local job working and finally I gave up not knowing whom I was. I walked into a military office feeling that I was in the military. Then Fury found me in a gym working out, came to me and offered to fill in the 'gaps'. Past few months since then I've been back at Shield working getting back into my role as an associate director. It's been a year since the accident and I was working late, I still had some gaps in my memory. I heard your voice when you went into Fury's office and then I remembered, well everything. The rest you know." His ears got slightly red on the tips at his last few sentences. Natasha stood there staring at him and it was silent for a long time.

"Natasha?" she had been just staring at him. Unbeknownst to Steve all of her walls were crashing down. Everything was hitting her at once. Anger. Frustration. Pain. Suffering. Relief. Excitement.  _Love._

"Natasha?"

"Damn you Rogers. Damn you for making us all believe that you were dead, for making me believe that I had killed you by asking you to leave. Damn you." She had been slowly walking towards him, while giving her speech.

"Natasha, please."

"Please what Rogers? What forget about your fake death? Forget about how horrible I felt? Forget about all the grieving and lost moments that have passed in your supposed absence? Steve you made all of us,  _me,_  believe that you were dead for a whole year. It's not easy to just forget that and pretend like it didn't happen. After everything that night, after what happened and losing you, I broke, we all did in some ways but I was lost. Steve you were the glue to the team and to find you here in D.C. alive the whole time, working without telling us, it just…"

"No Natasha I am not asking you to forget your pain and I am not asking for you to instantly forgive me but I am asking for a second chance. I am asking for you to not throw away the chance to mend our working relationship."

"Is that what you really want Steve? After what happened that night, you just want to be co-workers, my boss at Shield?" Natasha looked at him and her face betrayed her showing her real emotions since their conversation started: longing, love, pain, suffering. They had gravitated towards each other to the point where an inch separated them.

"No I don't want that. I want so much more from you but I could never ask you for that, not while you are married to Bruce, not while you love someone else."

"You know Russian?"

"Yeah, I learned after I fell in love with you. Somehow I thought that one day it would help me woo you over but after everything, after Ultron and Bruce I never found the right moment."

"And if I don't love Bruce, if I love someone else?"

"I would…words could not describe what I would do to you and with you." Staring into each others eyes Natasha leaned forward desperate for body contact. To feel his heart beating beneath her light fingers, to feel his warmth envelope her, her lips brushed his and she looked up to him one last time. She leaned into him connecting their lips. The moment stilled and the whole world could be burning but it wouldn't stop them, it wouldn't ruin their moment, this moment.

"Natasha. Natasha stop, we can't, I can't. You're married and I'm bound by my morals. I can't. I wish I could, I want to so badly."

"Please Steve. Let me lose myself tonight. Let us have tonight if not ever again." Her accent making the words husky and alluring, her eyes pleading with his, and they gave in to the mutual desire and passion. He led her out of the building and she led the way to her D.C. apartment in her corvette. Hands never losing contact, the ride was immensely short, lust and need building along the way.

They fidgeted the whole way dying for contact. In the elevator hands started to wander, and when they finally tumbled into the apartment all doubts ceased to exist. They made the way to her bedroom on the second floor of the duplex. He towered over her as she sat on the edge of the bed. Lips and hot breath paved the way, determining the pace of the night. Urgency took over for the first time. Jackets came off first then shirts started coming off. The moonlight made her skin glow. Standing on their knees on her bed Steve broke off their kiss to admire her, exposed to him, vulnerable, and his in this moment. He grabbed her hand and laid it over his heart, his strong steady heart beat the only sound in moment.

"This is more than a simple hook up to me Natasha. This is everything. I may have never done this before, but I intend to please you and show you how much I love you, how much you mean to me, how you complete me." His other hand was caressing her cheek. She started crying. "Natasha? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, I've just never had someone tell me that they love me. Steve, you mean so much to me and I don't want to ruin whatever is left of our friendship, but I want you to know how much you mean to me. You're everything to me. Steve I love you. No regrets, no strings attached. I love you Steven Grant Rogers." He started kissing away her tears.

"And I love you Natalia Alianovna Romanova." That night consisted of more than just sex, it was so much more it: they made love. They tumbled through the sheets and showered each other with devotion and love. Finally in the early hours of the morning they collapsed together in each other's arms. She was curled into his chest hand laying above his beating heart. Draped across her waist, his arm pulled her possessively towards him. When she finally came to she woke up to an empty bed cold, his lips a ghosting memory over her own. It hadn't been a dream could it have been. She turned to her nightstand to see them: the white paper folded neatly, the chain with his dog tags and cross. She picked them up and held them tightly in her hand as she opened up the letter.

_Dear Natasha,_

_Oh god you are so beautiful and I don't know how many more ways I could tell you or show you. I want you to know that I love you and last night was more than a dream for me too. I had such a hard time leaving you this morning but I know deep down in my heart somewhere it was the right choice no matter how much it broke my heart. It took every ounce of my strength to walk away. Promise me you won't kill me when you see me again. Better yet promise me you won't regret last night. I will never forget it as long as I live, even if you do._

_I would have written this sooner if I didn't have to start over forty times. Seriously look in your trashcan. I would have written this is Russian if I knew how to write in Russian, unfortunately I only know how to speak it, I think it would have made this more romantic and less of a heart break or excuse. Okay, okay, now I am rambling, sorry it's the affect you have on me. What your presence does to my body and mind is unspeakable. God I love you Natasha and I don't want you to ever forget that. But right now is not our time to be together. I still hope that we haven't missed that window. I know that you will hate me for making this decision without you; I know you are strong and independent, and more than capable of taking care of yourself. It's just that writing it made it easier to say good-bye for now._

_Natasha I love you and I want you to promise me that when it is really my turn to worship you to love you, as I want to you'll come back to me. I promise you that I'll never let go of the love I have for you. I will let last night replay in my mind as a reminder of the love we share. When men go off to fight they take a token of love a favor from their loved ones. I will take last nights memories as that favor; I want you to hold onto my dog tags and cross. When you're ready to be mine and only mine. When it's finally our time I want you to bring them back to me. I will come back to you after every mission; I will wait for our chance. Bring me my dog tags and cross; don't let go of what we shared last night. I love you._

_Yours,_

_Steven Grant Rogers_

How could he just leave her like that? How could he just walk away like that? She gave her self to him last night and he just left. Her life was a mess. She hoped that she would wake up to Steve, so that they could figure this out. Face the world together. America's golden boy in love with the Russian spy, the Russian spy in love with America's golden boy, but he made his choice and now I needed to figure out what I really wanted. God Steve was so righteous and she owed it to her self, to her marriage to see if there was something there worth preserving. The ultimate choice was before her: Bruce or Steve?

**Author's Note:**

> This story can also be found on my Fanfiction account at fanfiction.net with the same user name and the same work title. Please R&R. The beginning inspiration came from a few other works on Fanfiction.net, the names of the stories can be found throughout the chapters.


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